


Death Doesn't Discriminate (Between the Sinners and the Saints)

by Bisexual_Potato



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because Author Wants To, Coping, Gen, No Dialogue, Past Character Death, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, just a heads up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:15:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26306197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bisexual_Potato/pseuds/Bisexual_Potato
Summary: "It’s a week after he died, and Tony doesn’t know how he ends up in Peter’s room""It’s two weeks after he died, and contrary to popular depiction, it was not raining on the day of the funeral.""It’s six weeks after he died, and Tony goes to visit his grave."~In which Peter dies and Tony (kind of) deals with the aftermath
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	Death Doesn't Discriminate (Between the Sinners and the Saints)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Hamilton

It’s a week after he died, and Tony doesn’t know how he ends up in Peter’s room in the tower. He’d been avoiding going inside since it happened, not wanting more painful reminders of what was gone. 

It wasn’t from lack of trying, though. He couldn’t remember how many times he stood at the closed door and didn’t enter. Sometimes he would reach out to the handle but pull away before he turned it. Sometimes he just started, lost in his head (which wasn’t somewhere he enjoyed being anymore). Sometimes he swore he could hear Peter’s favorite music or movies bleeding through the walls. Sometimes he could hear his _voice_ , talking to Ned or laughing at something. God, he missed that laugh. 

But through all of it, he’s never made it past the door. Until today. He’s hesitant at first, but he had promised himself that this was the day. Had told himself that it wasn’t fair to Peter or himself to keep putting it off. So today he finally manages to open the door and reveal the room on the other side. He can’t see much past the doorway yet, because the lights are off and the curtains closed. 

Tony wants to turn around. He’s fought aliens and monsters (human and not) and put his life in danger without question for years now, but for some reason this is what’s scaring him the most. Because he’s still hanging on to the shred of denial that says this is all a dream, and he doesn’t want to let that go. He knows that taking this physical step is taking another step all together. A step towards acceptance and letting go. And he’s terrified.

He doesn’t know how long he stares and thinks, but when he comes back to himself he’s still there. Staring into the shadows of Peter’s room. But he remembers he promised himself that this would be the day, and takes a deep breath. In two steps that he knows are short but feel like canyons, he manages to get through the doorway. 

The room instantly brightens and after his eyes take a few seconds to adjust he gets his first look at the space. As he slowly lets his eyes make their way around the room, he notices that nothing has changed. Logically he knows that there’s no reason for it to have changed. There hasn't been anyone living in it. No one to take up the space and use the furniture and fill the void. It’s been empty and nothing has changed (but everything has changed).

Everything is exactly how Peter left it. There are clothes in the basket in the corner. The bed is made but the sheets are slightly rumpled. On the desk pushed into a corner sits his Peter’s computer, powered off but still open. There are books stacked and notebooks open and papers shoven in between. He was never too good about keeping his workspace neat, Tony remembers. He can see the shelves of Lego creations that Peter had spent so much time with Ned on. The Death Star hangs proudly from the ceiling. 

Tony stares at it. He remembers when he helped Peter hang it. Him and Ned had finished it at the Tower and decided that it was too much of a risk to try and move it somewhere, so they both agreed that they would leave it there. Peter had told Tony that he wanted to hang it from the ceiling. He had seen it on the internet and thought it looked cool. And that’s how Tony had ended up holding a ladder for Peter, despite the latter’s protests that he would be fine. Tony simply chuckled and said that he had to be close in case he fell and needed to save him. Peter had blushed and laughed softly too, responding with “I know you’d save me”

~~If only Tony could have saved him when it actually mattered.~~

~

It’s two weeks after he died, and contrary to popular depiction, it was not raining on the day of the funeral. It wasn’t dreary or miserable. In fact, it was a beautiful day. The sun was out with only a few clouds in the sky, and Tony occasionally saw a bird or butterfly flying overhead. Today he knew parks would be full of families having picnics, and down by coast the beaches would be packed. Everyone else would be out enjoying the day. Tony felt as if the universe was mocking him.

He doesn’t say anything at the funeral. He watches as May and Steve and Ned and others he can’t remember now stand in front of everyone with tears in their eyes, recounting stories and memories they had of Peter. But Tony sits quietly in his seat. He doesn’t even cry. 

Does that make him a horrible person? That he’s not crying? God knows he’s cried before. He spent almost the entire first week after Peter died silently crying himself to sleep. But for the past few days he hasn’t. He just feels numb. He knows others are still crying. He glances over at May, standing a little ways to his left. He had offered to let May stay at the tower so she didn’t have to be alone, and he could hear her down the hall every night sobbing. He knew Pepper went to comfort her and sometimes cry with her. 

But Tony himself never went to sit with her. He never hugged her and told her it would all be okay. Because how can he when he doesn’t even believe it himself?

~

_Peter Benjamin Parker  
Taken too soon from this world  
Loving Nephew, Fiend, and Hero_

~

It’s two weeks after he died and the night after the funeral, and Tony is standing on one of the balconies of the tower. He feels drained, even though he hardly said anything during the event. Maybe the seemingly endless streams of people coming to offer their condolences took more out of him than he realized. After they made it back to the tower, Pepper had sat with him, resting her hand on his back and not saying anything. Her simply being there meant more to him than she probably realized. But she leaves after he tells her that he wants to be alone right now.

~~He doesn’t want to be alone.~~

He’s still wearing the suit we wore at the funeral. He hasn’t managed to change or shower or do much of anything since he got back. Pepper tried to get him to eat something when they first got back, but he only managed a few bites of the leftover pasta before he lost his appetite (Peter wouldn’t eat anything anymore). So he stands on the balcony and watches the sunset alone. 

And Tony doesn’t pull out his phone. He doesn’t open his contacts and scroll to P and stare at a name. He doesn’t click it and hold the phone to his ear and listen to it ring, knowing that no one would answer but still hoping for some silly reason he can’t name.

_“Hey, this is Peter Parker. I’m probably busy right now, but, uh, leave me a message and I’ll call you back soon! Thank you!”_

A tear falls and lands on the balcony railing.

_“Hey, this is Peter Parker. I’m probably busy right now, but, uh, leave me a message and I’ll call you back soon! Thank you!”_

_“Hey, this is Peter Parker.”_

_“Hey, this is-”_

_“Hey-”_

_“Hey-’_

And Tony definitely hasn’t slid to the ground. He isn’t sobbing alone on a balcony as he listens to the cheerful voice in his ear over and over again. He isn’t.

~

It’s six weeks after he died, and things have finally begun to calm down. May has moved back to her apartment, thanking Tony profusely for his hospitality, but explaining that she couldn’t stay away forever. She’s stopped crying at night, and Tony thinks that’s a good thing. That’s she’s recovering and moving on and healing. 

So she moves back, but Tony still calls her a couple times a week. She seems to be doing alright, and he might or might not have hacked into her work’s database to check in even more. Because the last thing he wants is for something to happen to May. It’s the least he can do for Peter, to keep an eye on his only living family.

~~So why can’t he?~~

Pepper and the other Avengers had been there for him through all of it. They’ve all helped Tony in their own ways. Pepper would hug him and let him cry with her and get him to eat. God, he owes her so much. He knows he hasn’t exactly been a model boyfriend, and it kills him that he doesn’t know how to thank her and try to make up for it. Rhody was always there for Tony to talk to (which he only took him up on a few times), and made sure to let him know that he would be there for him. Natasha didn’t say much, but would place a comforting, grounding hand on his soldier or knee when she noticed he was spiraling. Wanda, who had experienced loss, offered him advice on how to make it easier. And Steve, despite all they’ve been through, is there to sit quietly with him and simply lend his presence. 

And it’s not that Tony isn’t grateful for their help and support. Because he is. He doesn’t know where he would be if he didn’t have his friends continual support. But he just doesn’t know how to move on like everyone else. He doesn’t know how to let such a huge part of his life go and move on. He’s been told he’ll never truly move on and that eventually the pain will just get easier to manage. And he’s waiting for that to happen so he doesn’t hurt so damn much anymore.

~

It’s been six weeks since he died, and Tony goes to visit his grave. He’s gone before, but he’s never stayed that long. Looking at the dull gray stone, all that was left of Peter, was too hard. And inside he knows that it’s not an excuse, not really. But he has promised himself that today was the day. Had told himself that it wasn’t fair to Peter or himself to keep putting it off. He approaches with a small bouquet of red lilies and lays them softly down. It’s been cloudy and overcast the past few days, but today the sun was just starting to peek through the layers of gray clouds overhead. He kneels down on the soft grass, takes a deep breath, and begins to talk.

He talks about anything he can think of. What he had for breakfast that morning. How the team and May were doing. The newest Star Wars movie that had just come out a few days ago. All the things he would have talked about with Peter if he were still here. And he doesn’t realize how therapeutic and how it is until he looks at his watch and notices that just under two hours have passed. He blinks, coming back to reality (his mind was slowly becoming less and less scary to be in). 

When Tony looks back down he realizes that his pants have drops of water on them. But when he remembers that it wasn’t raining, he recognizes the feeling of dried water on his face and puffy eyes. Despite having just cried, he doesn’t feel sad. For the first time in weeks, he feels lighter. Maybe this is what he needed, he thinks. Maybe acceptance, even though he had been so actively avoiding it, actually wouldn’t be so bad. He pushes himself off the ground and brushes off his pants. If this small act of moving on made this much of a difference, he thinks that maybe he’ll be okay. 

Before Tony leaves, he takes a final looks at what marks the final resting place of ~~his son?~~ Peter. He looks at the lilies he left, around at the other flowers people have left at the graves of loved ones, and back at Peter’s. He looks at the sun that has just started breaking through the clouds that day. Then he turns around and walks out of the cemetery.

_Peter Benjamin Parker  
Taken too soon from this world  
Loving Nephew, Fiend, and Hero_

**Author's Note:**

> So....hello! This is the first time I'm trying this out, and even though I know it's not great I hope its adequate enough? Honestly if just one person reads this and likes it that would be amazing. Give me advice and let me know what you think! 
> 
> Have a wonderful day (or night) lovelies!


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